03/03/09

Logan,
You will be 5 months old in a few days. I imagine you would be doing all the things your sister is doing. She’s smiling and cooing and has rolled over. I bet you’d be doing all of that too. I would give anything to see it, any of it. Just for a moment to see you again. I would love to see your smile. It’s one of the things I long for most. I saw it on the ultrasound so I have a little taste of what I’m missing. Your smile is beautiful just like you, that much I know.
More than anything though, I just want to hold you in my arms and tell you that I love you. To look into your eyes and call you my little man.
I want so much. I want time with you. Time to study you, to hold you, to just hold your cheek to my face, to smell you, to touch your hair. And I want to hear you cry. And I even want to change your diaper, I want you to throw up all over me, I want to be so tired from being up all night with you and your sister that I can hardly keep my eyes open. I want all of that, all of the good and all of the “bad”.
My precious boy I miss you more than words could ever come close to describing. It’s a feeling so deep within me. It’s a sadness more than anything but it’s also something else, something only the three of us share, you me and Ella. We were one for many months and that’s all I have of you are your movements in my body, your kicks, your hits. Ella has the memory of your heartbeats and your kicks and hits to her. Only we knew you in that special way. I promise you, I swear to you, I will make sure she knows how special your bond is. She will cherish you, I know she will. Even after she forgets the womb, there will be a part of her that will always remember SOMETHING. And I know she remembers now. I don’t care what anyone says. She stared at your picture this morning, for a long time. And then she looked at it at one point and looked at me, then looked back at your picture, and she smiled such a big smile. She loves you Logan, just like I do and I’ll remind her that she loved you from the beginning. And I’ll tell her always how much you love her. I will encourage her to talk to you, to share with you.