I cannot believe it has been a year. I truly can't. Ella has grown so much. I so wish he were here growing right along side her. I look at her pictures and see how much she's changed and then I look at his pictures. They are from the day he was born, the day we said hello, the day we said goodbye. Frozen in time, always my tiny baby boy.
I'll never have any others. I don't look at them often. Part of it is that it's too hard,yes of course, but I think part of it is that I want to stretch those pictures out over my lifetime so that I never look at them in boredom or sameness. I doubt that would ever possibly happen, but it's a fear I have.
He would probably be walking now. Ella is. They would be having so much fun together. As sad as I am not having him here because of what HE is missing and what I am missing, I am also sad at what SHE is missing. She is missing out on having her brother, her twin, her playmate, her friend. I am sad for her too. Sad for us all.
I miss him. I miss him more and more every day, and in so many ways. New ways all the time. Every new milestone for Ella, every new funny little thing she does or discovers makes me miss him and miss seeing HIM make all those same discoveries and hit all those same milestones. He should be here and he's not and that breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.
I could talk about him nonstop if someone would listen. I could talk about how beautiful he was, how special he was, how perfect he was. I could talk about how much it hurts, how much I love him, how much I miss him. It hurts beyond imagination, I love him beyond description, and I miss him beyond what the heart can hold and what missing even means.
Talking about him keeps him here, keeps him real. In this world, there's not much time granted for these things. Not really. Oh everyone talks about how there is no timetable for grief. But to say that implies that-even though it's different for everybody-there is some ending of it. There is not. I know there is not. That timetable seems to be more for how long it's acceptable to talk about it aloud. And I don't talk about it aloud much anymore. But oh god I hope he knows that I never stop loving him, thinking of him, wishing he were here. EVER. We speak his name a lot. Mike and I, here at home. Here it is okay to just be in the middle of just, well, life or anything like it, and stop and say "god I miss Logan" or "I wonder what they'd be doing right now" when we're watching Ella playing. It's okay here, and that's why I like it here. I thought about it today. I like my home, I like my innermost circle here. Me, Mike and Ella. Because he's here. It doesn't' make anyone uncomfortable here. It doesn't stop a conversation dead in it's tracks. It doesn't derail the whole day or even the whole hour. It all can keep going. It just IS. It's truth. If I miss him, I can say it and it doesn't send anyone into a fit of worrying about me and how I'm 'handling' thing.
We KEEP him here and I'm glad. And we'll always keep him here.