A lot all at once


I wish there were a way to let out a huge sigh online, because that is what I'm doing as I sit here at my desk. I feel overwhelmed.

We close on our house Friday. Our very first home we purchased together. The home where we tried to conceive for years, the home I worked to make our own. The home with the bathroom where I first stood and saw two lines on a pregnancy test. Two REAL, perfect, pink lines. The home where my belly grew everyday because of the two little tiny miracles inside of me. The only home Logan ever had, albeit only inside of me. We brought Ella home here. Logan most likely died here. I don't want to leave. I took the letters down off the wall in their nursery Sunday. I cried as I pulled each letter off the wall. L-O-G-A-N. This was THEIR nursery, really meant for them. I can put them back up at the new house, despite what others may think. But I know at the new house that it's Ellas nursery. It will never be decorated with the intention of Logan being in that nursery too. I know now he won't be. But this nursery, at this house, was his. It was created for them both, meant to hold both of them.

God I want him back. I want just a moment with him. I just want to look into his eyes, or hear him cry. I want to feel warmth from him. If I had known that the only time I'd feel him was inside of me, I'd have payed more attention. I'd have never taken my hands from my belly...not ever. I would have cherished every single kick, move, hiccup...everything. I would have gotten a 4d ultrasound every day if I could have. I did see his smile. I saw in on the one 4d ultrasound I had done. He had a beautiful smile.

ahh I have to go. I can't do this here right now.
I guess I need to post the story of what happened. Or at least what I know of what happened. I'll never truly know what happened to my baby. Autopsy, reviews, meetings with specialists and blood tests later....I know nothing really. Only a bunch of maybes, possibilities.

But this is what I know. I went to the Perinatologist for the last time on 09/26. I was basically “released” from there. I had “graduated”. She said I didn’t need to come back unless my OB wanted me to have another scan for some reason but that she didn’t anticipate that because everything was great. She suggested we deliver no later than 38 weeks, preferably 37 and ½ if she had her way. She said it’s better that way, and that she NEVER loses her twins. Yes, she said that at my last appointment. She said that both babies had grown from their previous weights the three weeks prior. She said Logan weighed around 4 lbs. 14 oz. and Ella weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz. I mentioned to her that I hadn’t felt as much movement on the side Logan was on and she dismissed that as no big deal. I also told her that the doctor in Tyler (where I was when we were away due to hurricane Ike) had said that Logan was less responsive than Ella on the NSTs. She wasn’t concerned with that either. And since she did their measurements right then and there and it was all fine according to her, I accepted that everything must be okay (something I’m struggling with now).
I had my OB appointment on Friday October 3rd. The tech checked the babies heartbeats with the Doppler and found them BOTH to be at 156. I remember asking about them both being the same and the tech saying “oh yeah, that happens all the time”. My blood pressure was elevated as usual. I had blood work done just like I had the past few appointments to be sure and check for any protein in my urine (there never had been any). I was also given the jug for another 24 hour urine collection to start on Tuesday 10/07. (obviously we never did that). Scheduled a follow-up appointment for 10/08 (once again, never made it there). We also scheduled delivery for Monday, October 20th.
Saturday everything was fine as far as I knew. Sunday morning I was totally fine but just noticed brown color on the toilet paper when I wiped, just like the color that tea would look like on a napkin. I thought maybe it was the beginning of my mucous plug coming out. I called my mom and had her look it up online (since I still didn’t have internet after storm). There was no blood, no nothing. Later it got a little darker so I went ahead and called the on call doctor, Dr. Tran, just to see what they’d say. She said to go ahead and go on in to Labor & Delivery just to check it out, but that it likely would be nothing. I was actually excited. I’d never had discharge that was ANY color other than just creamy or clear. I was kind of thinking maybe this was a sign I’d be going into labor soon and that I’d get to meet my babies soon, that maybe this was the beginning. I didn’t know it would be the beginning of a complete nightmare.
I called my mom and told her what was going on and that I’d call her and let them know what L&D said. I called Lori (my best friend) and told her where I was going, but told her not to freak out because I’d probably be right back home.
I checked into Labor & Delivery and they started the monitoring. They found Ellas heartbeat right away but had trouble finding Logans. I was just like “oh that happens all the time, it’s always hard to get them both on the monitors at the same time and KEEP them there”. I was not worried about that at ALL. In the meantime, while they were still trying to get Logans heartbeat, Dr. Tran (the on call doctor) came in and went ahead and checked me. I was not dilated at all and had no issues. She said the brown discharge was completely normal and that we’d do an ultrasound to check the babies ‘real quick’ and then I could go on home. They weren’t going to keep me. Exactly what I expected would happen. I was a little disappointed but excited at least to get to see the babies again on the ultrasound.

They went and got the ultrasound machine and came in. They found Ella right away. All this time I was talking to Mike and his mom (who had showed up because he had called her to tell her I was getting checked out). We were laughing and cutting up watching Ella move around. Then she moved to look at Logan. After a few moments I noticed she was still looking. I was still looking too. Neither of us were seeing anything. The picture on the u/s machine was very grainy but I didn’t see the strong flicker over the heart like there was with Ella. I said “what’s wrong” and she said “I don’t see a heartbeat for baby A”
“Baby A” was Logan. It’s hard to explain from that point on. Nothing could EVER truly describe the feelings to someone who has never experienced it. At that very moment, all at once my heart stopped and my stomach dropped and I felt the most intense fear I’ve ever felt in my life. Everything got blurry in my head and I had an INSTANT headache like I’d never had before. I started sobbing. I just can't describe the fear I felt in that moment. It was like nothing I had ever felt. Everything started seeming to spin. I think part of me knew just by looking at Dr. Trans face that there was no hope. But she said we’d go down to radiology and get a better look on a better machine. She didn’t sound hopeful at all. By that time I was crying uncontrollably. We called my mom, she told me not to worry, that they’d find his heartbeat, but she said they were on their way anyway. She sounded scared.
It seemed like we waited hours but I’m sure it was in fact just a few minutes. They wheeled me down to radiology. Dr. Kirshon (another peri in MY peris same group) was there and he started the ultrasound. I was terrified and praying. He started doing measurements and asking questions about when my last ultrasound was, when my last appointment was, etc. He mentioned that these were “great sized babies”. He kept just looking and measuring and talking and asking questions. Then he started going on and on about baby B (Ella) but he wasn’t mentioning Logan. I knew as long as I didn’t ask and he didn’t say anything, it wouldn’t be true. But finally I worked up the courage and just said “is he gone?” and he quietly said “yes he is. I’m sorry”. I asked “how long?” and he said “it’s hard to tell but it looks like maybe a day or so“.
At that moment, everything…every single thing-about me, my life, my whole world-it all changed.
It’s like I can see/hear everything plain as day in my mind, but it’s all hazy and clustered and blurry at the same time, if that makes sense. I remember screaming and crying, mostly just screaming “why” and moaning Logans name and just ‘no”. It didn’t seem real. I couldn’t believe it happened. All of it seemed like a nightmare. But I couldn’t make myself wake up. I remember them telling me we would have to have a c-section to deliver Ella and Logan both that night. Apparently they had to get Ella out because of potential danger to her, not knowing what happened to Logan. I remember calling my mom and just losing my mind right there on the phone with her. She sobbed and cried with me and told me she was sorry she wasn’t with me.
I had the worst headache I’ve ever had in my life, but they couldn’t give me anything, I guess because I was about to have a c-section. Although they did ask if I wanted something to kind of knock me halfway out, but they mentioned that I wouldn’t be as alert and so I refused it. I knew I’d get to see Logan after I delivered and I wanted to remember it, to remember the moment, to remember his face.
For almost 4 hours we waited and cried. Lori and Shane came up and my friend Amy and my uncle. My mother in law was already there. We just sat there. I did weird things like texting online people and calling friends. I didn’t know what else to do. I was so numb and felt so completely out of body. I even called to check on my dogs I think. My parents made it just in time, RIGHT before they took me back for the c-section. I wanted so bad for my mom to hold me before they took me and she was able to. I was so terrified and I thought I was actually going crazy, I was scared Ella was going to die and that I was going to die too. That maybe something was just terribly wrong with us ALL. I thought something had to just be terribly wrong with the whole WORLD for this to be happening right now. Fear permeated my every thought and feeling. I held onto Mike and then onto my mom and dad, all as tightly as I could. I felt like I could have clawed through their backs holding them so tight, wishing none of it was real.
They took me back for the c-section and Logan was born first at 12:50 a.m., then Ella at 12:52 a.m. Mike took pictures of them both after they were pulled out. I am forever grateful to him for that. I remember being in such a haze and I don’t remember either of them actually coming out really, maybe just some foggy “here she comes” type stuff when they took Ella. I don’t think they said anything at all when they took Logan. But Mike still took the picture.
It turned out they did have to end up giving me something after all, to calm me during the surgery because I got hysterical. It seemed like I layed on that table for EVER after they were both delivered. While Mike went back with Ella to the NICU and Dr. Tran was putting in my staples and taking out my cerclage, I asked her what she thought as far as what happened, if she could tell anything by seeing Logan. She said that it did not appear to be a cord accident but she did know that it had definitely been longer than a day or two that he’d been gone. She said she could tell by the condition of his skin. I cried more just thinking of it. Then I remember they brought me Ella while I was still on the table. (I guess they had just taken her to clean her and check her out?). I kissed her sweet face and Mike took a picture of us and that was it. They took her to the NICU. They wheeled me back to the L&D room instead of recovery so that I could be with my family and friends.
We all cried a while and then the photographer came in and introduced herself. I couldn’t tell you a single thing she said other than that she was going to take pictures of Ella and Logan together if I wanted. And I did. And that she’d come back and take pictures when they brought him to me. The moments in between I don’t remember, but at some point they said they were ready to bring him in. So I sat up and was scared out of my mind. But when I saw my baby, my beautiful little Logan, I just sobbed over his little body. He was so beautiful. So perfect. An absolutely beautiful, handsome little boy. My son, my Logan, my wonderful perfect Logan. I held him in my arms for the first and last time. He looked so peaceful, like he was just sleeping. I wanted him to wake up. At one point, his little nose started bleeding and my mom got something and wiped it. She whispered that it was just blood vessels, to not be scared. But she knew I was. A few moments later, his nose bled again and I wiped it away. I was able to do something a mother would do. Wipe a bloody nose. Sounds stupid, but it was important and it meant something. My mom took a few pictures while I just held him and rocked him in my arms and called his name and told him that I loved him over and over again, that he was my baby boy,my son, that he would always be mine. I don’t know how long I held him. It could have been 10 minutes, it could have been an hour. All I know is that at some point, his little eyes started to bleed and I couldn’t look at him anymore. He didn’t look peaceful anymore, he looked like he was hurting and I couldn’t bear to think of him hurting. So they came and took him back. They said they could bring him back anytime, but I didn’t ask for him again. Now I wish I had, but I didn’t.
By this time it was well into the middle of the night. We were allowed to stay in the Labor & Delivery room since there were so many seats and beds so that everyone could sleep. My parents and Mike both slept. I just layed there-for HOURS. Sometimes I mindlessly played Wheel of Fortune on my cell phone, which is so strange to me when I think about it now. Most of the time, though, I just layed there and stared into space. I had so many drugs in me but I could NOT sleep. I never did that night. I replayed it all over again in my mind, I racked my brain trying to remember the past two weeks, I did everything but sleep. I watched Mike sleep and I watched my parents sleep curled next to each other in a hospital bed holding on to each other. I remember watching them for a long time, wishing I was just a little girl again in between their embrace, that this wasn’t happening. Honestly I don’t even know if I was even thinking about Ella at that point. And I never slept myself. Just went crazy inside myself.
At some point they came and got me and wheeled me in the bed down to the NICU to see Ella. It was morning by now. She was beautiful and perfect and looked like Logan. It hit me that I had a daughter. They didn’t let us stay long although I don’t really know why. I was able to touch her and kiss her and look at her and that was it. They wheeled me into another room, room 246 I remember. Ella was doing so good that she only needed to stay the required 6 hours in NICU (required of all babies less than 36 weeks gestation), then they said after that she would be in the room with me.
So that’s it. Ella came later Monday afternoon into the room with us. My mom mostly took care of her as I was pretty much in a daze. I still feel in a daze. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, how I’m going to survive. I am a completely different person, The person that I was before, that person died with Logan and was buried with Logan in New Salem Cemetery on October 20, 2008. I will never be that person again. I am someone else now-someone I haven’t the first clue how to be, and someone I don’t at all WANT to be.

I want the old ME back, but I can only have the old ME back if I can have Logan back. And that’s not possible.

No one knows what this feels like unless they’ve been here. No one understands this. I hadn’t the first clue, COULDN’T have had the first clue, before this. It is an indescribable pain and one that I wouldn’t dare wish on another human being. It hurts that much, it hits that hard. It can knock the breath from me in an instant. If I dare to move away from it for a second, it seems like the pain hits with a vengeance.
It is terrifying to me, this type of pain. It’s a circle you run in and can’t get out of, wanting what you can’t have, but what you’ll never stop wanting. It’s not possible to stop wanting him back and it’s not possible to have him back. So I keep running in that circle.