I wish there were a way to let out a huge sigh online, because that is what I'm doing as I sit here at my desk. I feel overwhelmed.
We close on our house Friday. Our very first home we purchased together. The home where we tried to conceive for years, the home I worked to make our own. The home with the bathroom where I first stood and saw two lines on a pregnancy test. Two REAL, perfect, pink lines. The home where my belly grew everyday because of the two little tiny miracles inside of me. The only home Logan ever had, albeit only inside of me. We brought Ella home here. Logan most likely died here. I don't want to leave. I took the letters down off the wall in their nursery Sunday. I cried as I pulled each letter off the wall. L-O-G-A-N. This was THEIR nursery, really meant for them. I can put them back up at the new house, despite what others may think. But I know at the new house that it's Ellas nursery. It will never be decorated with the intention of Logan being in that nursery too. I know now he won't be. But this nursery, at this house, was his. It was created for them both, meant to hold both of them.
God I want him back. I want just a moment with him. I just want to look into his eyes, or hear him cry. I want to feel warmth from him. If I had known that the only time I'd feel him was inside of me, I'd have payed more attention. I'd have never taken my hands from my belly...not ever. I would have cherished every single kick, move, hiccup...everything. I would have gotten a 4d ultrasound every day if I could have. I did see his smile. I saw in on the one 4d ultrasound I had done. He had a beautiful smile.
ahh I have to go. I can't do this here right now.