Plain and simple

For so many months now...really for the entire almost two years now since losing Logan...I have had this pervasive, subconcious hope or maybe feeling(?) that there is some conclusion-no, that's not the right word. Something I was moving towards, an ending of sorts? That he's either coming back or that somehow the pain goes away and at some point, it's all resolved or done, or something, and there is an ending to the aching. I know that sounds crazy. I know it's not logical, at least not the first feeling. He's not coming back, ever. I know that. That feeling was more prevalent in the immediate months after we lost him. But the other feeling, of thinking it will go away, has persisted. But I think the closer I move toward the two year mark (God, has it been that long already?), the more I'm realizing it won't ever go away. He's not coming back, plain and simple. And the fact that he's not coming back, no matter how aware I am of it, won't ever stop hurting. Plain and simple.

I'm fine. I live life day to day. I adore my daughter, she makes me laugh and smile and gives me every reason in the world to be happy. And I am happy, with her. But I have my own corners within myself. Doesn't everyone? And those corners are dusty and messy and painful and angry and bitter, and so cold. The ache can overwhelm me at the oddest times, or the most logical times. It makes no difference. And I realize, again and again, it's not ever going away. I will always love him, of course. I will always miss him, of course. But I think somewhere in myself I believed I wouldn't always hurt...that that part would stop. But it doesn't, and it won't. I'm trying to come to terms with that. I will always ache for him. I will always have this feeling. Yes I'm better than I was before, outwardly. Yes I'll be even 'better' (by others definitions) in another year. But it won't go away. It won't ever BE all better. Because I can't have him, because he's not coming back and because I'll always, always always want him to.

Mothers Day

I wish he was here. I wish I could hold him and feel his arms around me. I am the mother of two, and I just wish one of them wasn't so far away on this day, and every day.

I miss you, sweet precious Logan Ray.

Logans funeral

I was going through my email folder earlier, from sheer boredom, and came across where my dad sent me a copy of the 'transcript' of sorts from Logans funeral. I thought I would share it here. The first song that plays on my blog "Go Rest High on That Mountain" is the song that was played at Logans funeral.


October 20, 2008

(Opening Prayer)


Logan Ray Gill entered and departed this world in Houston, Texas on October 6, 2008 and went immediately into the arms of Jesus. He was preceded in death by his great-grandfather Jessie Smith, great-grandmother, Shirley Bazar, and great-grandfather, Ray Heath.

He is survived by his mother and father, Laura and Mike Gill, and twin sister Ella Ann Gill of Dayton; grandmother, Mooneian Gill of Baytown; grandparents LeAnn and Rodney Bazar of Overton; great-grandmothers Ellis Mae Wade of Baytown and Pansy Heath of New London, great-grandparents R.E. and Jeweline Bazar of Lufkin; aunt and uncle Chrissie and Wade Bazar ,and cousins Ayden and Addie Bazar of Flint.

Letter from Logan’s Grandparents

Our dearest little Logan,

When we learned the news of your passing, we were stunned and our hearts were broken that you will not be here with us. We have struggled with how and why this happened. We do not understand it, but we have assurance in our heart that you are now with Jesus.

You are now our little angel in heaven, walking the streets of gold and enjoying the magnificence of heaven. We look forward to joining you there some day.

Although you never took a breath in this world you have impacted many lives. You are a son, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, a grandson and a great-grandson, and will be missed by all. We are proud to call you our grandson.

Your mother and father love you very much. We pray that God will provide healing and give them peace and understanding in the days ahead.

Your twin sister, Ella , is a beautiful baby girl. As we watch her grow up, we will tell her about you. We promise that you will never be forgotten.

So, go rest our little Logan. Go rest high on that mountain.

“Go Rest High on That Mountain” (song played)

(Don Cunningham’s Message)

I would like to join Mike and Laura in expressing our sincere gratitude for your love, support, and prayers during this time and in the coming months.

On Monday, October 6, 2008, Logan Ray Gill was born. It was his physical birthday, but also his spiritual birthday. On that day, Logan was born again.

Logan was the product of the love of Mike and Laura Gill, as was his twin sister, Ella. All the characteristics of Mike and Laura were within him, as was the Holy Spirit, as it was with Abraham and Moses, because of God’s promise.

We can take comfort in the fact that we will one day reunite with Logan in Heaven. Mike and Laura had an opportunity to share in an intimate way, this little boy. They were able to be with him during the time he was formed and grew. LeAnn commented that, “We didn’t get to know him, but we knew him. We saw his sonogram, heard his heart beat, and held him in our arms.”

Logan will always be remembered. He represents a significant chapter in Mike and Laura’s life. When we get to Heaven, we’ll rejoice and every tear will be dried when we again see Logan. He is resting in the arms of Jesus.

1 Peter 5:7 says, “Casting all your cares on the One who cares for you”. Be comforted in these words.

“Jesus Loves Me”

Jesus loves me!
This I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes,Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

(Closing Prayer)