12/31/08

12/31/08

The end of 2008. It’s the end of the year that held a lot of pain. In a way I am glad to see it go. It is the year I lost Pappaw and it is the year that my precious baby boy died. But mostly, I am just sad. Sad that it is the end of the year that held the few short months that Logan even existed. Every day that goes by I am further away from the day that I held him in my arms, further from the day I looked at his face for the first and last time, further from the day I said goodbye and further from all the days he was inside of me and we were happy, just me and him and Ella.
The further away I get from October 6th, the more and more Logan is forgotten to everybody but me. I know this, I am not blind, nor dumb. I know he is only THAT special to me. Only I love him that much. Only Ella and I really knew him. I can’t expect it of others. But sometimes I do. Too often I do actually. Too often I reach out to the same people who continue to disappoint me. It’s absolutely pointless. I don’t know why, but I keep doing it. I think it’s because next to wanting Logan back, what I want more than ANYTHING is for others to just understand. Just UNDERSTAND how bad this hurts and you wouldn’t say half the things you say. I don’t want you to experience it. I just want you to understand. And you never will. Grief is a very lonely place; a very, very lonely place. That’s something I learn more and more each day.
Someone brought a little baby boy to my job the other day. I broke down crying. I tried not to but I couldn’t help it. I can’t be that close to a baby boy right now. My baby boy is dead and seeing another one around the same age is just impossible for me. I ache for Logan every day. I keep thinking that maybe one day I won’t miss him as much, but it hasn’t happened yet. I don’t think it will. And really I don’t want it to. If I stop missing him so much, I’m afraid I’ll be forgetting him.
I can’t even PICTURE my life in 10 years. I’m scared I’ll have a Christmas where I don’t mention him or that a day will go by and he won’t cross my mind. I don’t want a day like that to come. I don’t want to forget him. I wish now I had paid even more attention while I was pregnant. I wish I could remember every single kick. I remember the day I saw him on the 4d ultrasound. It was the first time I laid eyes on him. I remember the tears rolling down my face. There was my baby. MY baby. And he smiled at me. Oh thank you God for letting him smile at me. It’s the only smile I ever saw.