I am missing you so much. I miss you so badly right now.
Sometimes I don't know that I can take another step forward, take another breath without you here. Barely a string of moments have gone by that I haven't thought of you, haven't looked up into the sky and wondered about you. Wondered if Pappaw is holding you, if Jesus is holding you, if anyone is holding you. Always sad that it is not your mommy holding you.
I'm trying to make sure your headstone is put up soon. Something I want to do for you but something I shouldn't have to do at all. It's not right, it's not fair, to any of us. None of it. That you're there and I'm here. And the whole world keeps going on and sometimes I just want to scream for them all to remember that you died. I don't know why. I just want your life to mean something. Because you did live and you do mean something. You mean EVERYTHING. To me you are the world. You and Ella. I love you both more than I could ever explain, more than I even know what love means. More than what a few letters strung together could ever convey.
You and Ella are the reasons for my life and I never knew it. And it was too late for you by the time I knew it. Oh I knew I loved you, I just didn't know what that meant until you were gone and Ella was here without you. Now you are both still my reasons, in so very many ways. You are the reason I am not afraid to die because that day I will kiss your face and hold you in my arms and my heart will be full. And Ella is the reason I live here and now, the reason I am able to smile in this world without you.
She is so wonderful, Logan. She is doing so well. She is beautiful and smart and she dances and she laughs, and I wish you were here with her. That's what I wish most of all. I wish you were doing all those things with her. I wish the two of you could play and babble and take things away from each other and take baths together and just be brother and sister. That's what I wanted for both of you. For you both to just be the little people you were going to be...together.
How many times can I say it? I love you, I miss you. Forever and always. Eternity. Infinity. I love you my sweet sweet boy.