I can't believe it has been 10 months. It doesn't seem 'real' that it's almost been an entire year. I hate it. I hate everything about it. Not only am I moving too quickly away from Logan, but Ella is growing up entirely too fast. She's changing before my mind even has time to adjust. I have always heard "they grow up too fast" but never believed it. Now I want to know how this happens and demand a do-over.
What I wouldn't give for a do-over in so many areas. A do-over of the 10 days before October 6th, to see if I lied perfectly still and didnt' move an inch, if Logan would have made it. Well, nevermind that. If it was a do-over where I 'knew' it was a do-over, I would simply have a c-section early, at 34 weeks. Yes, it's early. But Ella was perfectly fine at 35 weeks, and if Logan had just been born, just gotten OUT of me sometime in the 10 days prior, he would be alive. Alive and here. Alive and sleeping in the crib with Ella right now. Here. He would be here. I imagine it all the time, what it would be like. I can't look at Ella and not wonder what Logan would be doing next to her. What they would be doing together. She is so robbed by this. That is what is most unfair. That she doesn't get to grow up with her brother, her twin. That she didn't get to continue sharing this world with him, the same way she shared their world in the womb. I hate this for her. I know the option exists to not ever even tell her about him. But that's impossible. It's an option that DOESN'T exist in my mind. To not tell her is to take away from HIM, and I won't do that. He deserves to have her love and she deserves to know about him, to know what happened.
I don't know. It's getting harder and harder in some ways. the more she grows, the more I share with her, the more laughter and smiles she brings into my life, the more aware I am of how it would be to have them both. The more aware I am of what I am missing, what we are missing, but most of all, what SHE is missing-her brother.
October 6, 2009 is just around the corner. I know I will fight with all of my mental power to make time slow, to fight to keep it from coming. But I know I will lose and it will come, no matter how much I wish it wouldn't.
Before then, we've got Ellas surgery this coming week, that hurdle to jump. Then there is Logans headstone to be put up in the following weeks.
And then a birthday to...to what? to plan? I don't know that I can have a big party. I haven't reconciled how to feel that day. I know when it comes down to it, I won't have much control over however I end up feeling. I had decided right after losing Logan/having Ella that I would use October 5th as the date of the 'anniversary of Logans death", since that is technically the "date" we found out (late evening), and leave October 6th for Ellas birthday, a celebration of Ellas life. But no matter how specifically I separate them, they are the same in my mind. I know they both came into this world at the same time-October 6th-one alive and healthy and one already gone, too late to save.
I don't want to think about that date anymore...not right now. I can't right now.