For so many months now...really for the entire almost two years now since losing Logan...I have had this pervasive, subconcious hope or maybe feeling(?) that there is some conclusion-no, that's not the right word. Something I was moving towards, an ending of sorts? That he's either coming back or that somehow the pain goes away and at some point, it's all resolved or done, or something, and there is an ending to the aching. I know that sounds crazy. I know it's not logical, at least not the first feeling. He's not coming back, ever. I know that. That feeling was more prevalent in the immediate months after we lost him. But the other feeling, of thinking it will go away, has persisted. But I think the closer I move toward the two year mark (God, has it been that long already?), the more I'm realizing it won't ever go away. He's not coming back, plain and simple. And the fact that he's not coming back, no matter how aware I am of it, won't ever stop hurting. Plain and simple.
I'm fine. I live life day to day. I adore my daughter, she makes me laugh and smile and gives me every reason in the world to be happy. And I am happy, with her. But I have my own corners within myself. Doesn't everyone? And those corners are dusty and messy and painful and angry and bitter, and so cold. The ache can overwhelm me at the oddest times, or the most logical times. It makes no difference. And I realize, again and again, it's not ever going away. I will always love him, of course. I will always miss him, of course. But I think somewhere in myself I believed I wouldn't always hurt...that that part would stop. But it doesn't, and it won't. I'm trying to come to terms with that. I will always ache for him. I will always have this feeling. Yes I'm better than I was before, outwardly. Yes I'll be even 'better' (by others definitions) in another year. But it won't go away. It won't ever BE all better. Because I can't have him, because he's not coming back and because I'll always, always always want him to.