I cannot believe it has been a year. I truly can't. Ella has grown so much. I so wish he were here growing right along side her. I look at her pictures and see how much she's changed and then I look at his pictures. They are from the day he was born, the day we said hello, the day we said goodbye. Frozen in time, always my tiny baby boy.
I'll never have any others. I don't look at them often. Part of it is that it's too hard,yes of course, but I think part of it is that I want to stretch those pictures out over my lifetime so that I never look at them in boredom or sameness. I doubt that would ever possibly happen, but it's a fear I have.
He would probably be walking now. Ella is. They would be having so much fun together. As sad as I am not having him here because of what HE is missing and what I am missing, I am also sad at what SHE is missing. She is missing out on having her brother, her twin, her playmate, her friend. I am sad for her too. Sad for us all.
I miss him. I miss him more and more every day, and in so many ways. New ways all the time. Every new milestone for Ella, every new funny little thing she does or discovers makes me miss him and miss seeing HIM make all those same discoveries and hit all those same milestones. He should be here and he's not and that breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.
I could talk about him nonstop if someone would listen. I could talk about how beautiful he was, how special he was, how perfect he was. I could talk about how much it hurts, how much I love him, how much I miss him. It hurts beyond imagination, I love him beyond description, and I miss him beyond what the heart can hold and what missing even means.
Talking about him keeps him here, keeps him real. In this world, there's not much time granted for these things. Not really. Oh everyone talks about how there is no timetable for grief. But to say that implies that-even though it's different for everybody-there is some ending of it. There is not. I know there is not. That timetable seems to be more for how long it's acceptable to talk about it aloud. And I don't talk about it aloud much anymore. But oh god I hope he knows that I never stop loving him, thinking of him, wishing he were here. EVER. We speak his name a lot. Mike and I, here at home. Here it is okay to just be in the middle of just, well, life or anything like it, and stop and say "god I miss Logan" or "I wonder what they'd be doing right now" when we're watching Ella playing. It's okay here, and that's why I like it here. I thought about it today. I like my home, I like my innermost circle here. Me, Mike and Ella. Because he's here. It doesn't' make anyone uncomfortable here. It doesn't stop a conversation dead in it's tracks. It doesn't derail the whole day or even the whole hour. It all can keep going. It just IS. It's truth. If I miss him, I can say it and it doesn't send anyone into a fit of worrying about me and how I'm 'handling' thing.
We KEEP him here and I'm glad. And we'll always keep him here.
Logan,
I am missing you so much. I miss you so badly right now.
Sometimes I don't know that I can take another step forward, take another breath without you here. Barely a string of moments have gone by that I haven't thought of you, haven't looked up into the sky and wondered about you. Wondered if Pappaw is holding you, if Jesus is holding you, if anyone is holding you. Always sad that it is not your mommy holding you.
I'm trying to make sure your headstone is put up soon. Something I want to do for you but something I shouldn't have to do at all. It's not right, it's not fair, to any of us. None of it. That you're there and I'm here. And the whole world keeps going on and sometimes I just want to scream for them all to remember that you died. I don't know why. I just want your life to mean something. Because you did live and you do mean something. You mean EVERYTHING. To me you are the world. You and Ella. I love you both more than I could ever explain, more than I even know what love means. More than what a few letters strung together could ever convey.
You and Ella are the reasons for my life and I never knew it. And it was too late for you by the time I knew it. Oh I knew I loved you, I just didn't know what that meant until you were gone and Ella was here without you. Now you are both still my reasons, in so very many ways. You are the reason I am not afraid to die because that day I will kiss your face and hold you in my arms and my heart will be full. And Ella is the reason I live here and now, the reason I am able to smile in this world without you.
She is so wonderful, Logan. She is doing so well. She is beautiful and smart and she dances and she laughs, and I wish you were here with her. That's what I wish most of all. I wish you were doing all those things with her. I wish the two of you could play and babble and take things away from each other and take baths together and just be brother and sister. That's what I wanted for both of you. For you both to just be the little people you were going to be...together.
How many times can I say it? I love you, I miss you. Forever and always. Eternity. Infinity. I love you my sweet sweet boy.
I am missing you so much. I miss you so badly right now.
Sometimes I don't know that I can take another step forward, take another breath without you here. Barely a string of moments have gone by that I haven't thought of you, haven't looked up into the sky and wondered about you. Wondered if Pappaw is holding you, if Jesus is holding you, if anyone is holding you. Always sad that it is not your mommy holding you.
I'm trying to make sure your headstone is put up soon. Something I want to do for you but something I shouldn't have to do at all. It's not right, it's not fair, to any of us. None of it. That you're there and I'm here. And the whole world keeps going on and sometimes I just want to scream for them all to remember that you died. I don't know why. I just want your life to mean something. Because you did live and you do mean something. You mean EVERYTHING. To me you are the world. You and Ella. I love you both more than I could ever explain, more than I even know what love means. More than what a few letters strung together could ever convey.
You and Ella are the reasons for my life and I never knew it. And it was too late for you by the time I knew it. Oh I knew I loved you, I just didn't know what that meant until you were gone and Ella was here without you. Now you are both still my reasons, in so very many ways. You are the reason I am not afraid to die because that day I will kiss your face and hold you in my arms and my heart will be full. And Ella is the reason I live here and now, the reason I am able to smile in this world without you.
She is so wonderful, Logan. She is doing so well. She is beautiful and smart and she dances and she laughs, and I wish you were here with her. That's what I wish most of all. I wish you were doing all those things with her. I wish the two of you could play and babble and take things away from each other and take baths together and just be brother and sister. That's what I wanted for both of you. For you both to just be the little people you were going to be...together.
How many times can I say it? I love you, I miss you. Forever and always. Eternity. Infinity. I love you my sweet sweet boy.
10 months
I can't believe it has been 10 months. It doesn't seem 'real' that it's almost been an entire year. I hate it. I hate everything about it. Not only am I moving too quickly away from Logan, but Ella is growing up entirely too fast. She's changing before my mind even has time to adjust. I have always heard "they grow up too fast" but never believed it. Now I want to know how this happens and demand a do-over.
What I wouldn't give for a do-over in so many areas. A do-over of the 10 days before October 6th, to see if I lied perfectly still and didnt' move an inch, if Logan would have made it. Well, nevermind that. If it was a do-over where I 'knew' it was a do-over, I would simply have a c-section early, at 34 weeks. Yes, it's early. But Ella was perfectly fine at 35 weeks, and if Logan had just been born, just gotten OUT of me sometime in the 10 days prior, he would be alive. Alive and here. Alive and sleeping in the crib with Ella right now. Here. He would be here. I imagine it all the time, what it would be like. I can't look at Ella and not wonder what Logan would be doing next to her. What they would be doing together. She is so robbed by this. That is what is most unfair. That she doesn't get to grow up with her brother, her twin. That she didn't get to continue sharing this world with him, the same way she shared their world in the womb. I hate this for her. I know the option exists to not ever even tell her about him. But that's impossible. It's an option that DOESN'T exist in my mind. To not tell her is to take away from HIM, and I won't do that. He deserves to have her love and she deserves to know about him, to know what happened.
I don't know. It's getting harder and harder in some ways. the more she grows, the more I share with her, the more laughter and smiles she brings into my life, the more aware I am of how it would be to have them both. The more aware I am of what I am missing, what we are missing, but most of all, what SHE is missing-her brother.
October 6, 2009 is just around the corner. I know I will fight with all of my mental power to make time slow, to fight to keep it from coming. But I know I will lose and it will come, no matter how much I wish it wouldn't.
Before then, we've got Ellas surgery this coming week, that hurdle to jump. Then there is Logans headstone to be put up in the following weeks.
And then a birthday to...to what? to plan? I don't know that I can have a big party. I haven't reconciled how to feel that day. I know when it comes down to it, I won't have much control over however I end up feeling. I had decided right after losing Logan/having Ella that I would use October 5th as the date of the 'anniversary of Logans death", since that is technically the "date" we found out (late evening), and leave October 6th for Ellas birthday, a celebration of Ellas life. But no matter how specifically I separate them, they are the same in my mind. I know they both came into this world at the same time-October 6th-one alive and healthy and one already gone, too late to save.
I don't want to think about that date anymore...not right now. I can't right now.
What I wouldn't give for a do-over in so many areas. A do-over of the 10 days before October 6th, to see if I lied perfectly still and didnt' move an inch, if Logan would have made it. Well, nevermind that. If it was a do-over where I 'knew' it was a do-over, I would simply have a c-section early, at 34 weeks. Yes, it's early. But Ella was perfectly fine at 35 weeks, and if Logan had just been born, just gotten OUT of me sometime in the 10 days prior, he would be alive. Alive and here. Alive and sleeping in the crib with Ella right now. Here. He would be here. I imagine it all the time, what it would be like. I can't look at Ella and not wonder what Logan would be doing next to her. What they would be doing together. She is so robbed by this. That is what is most unfair. That she doesn't get to grow up with her brother, her twin. That she didn't get to continue sharing this world with him, the same way she shared their world in the womb. I hate this for her. I know the option exists to not ever even tell her about him. But that's impossible. It's an option that DOESN'T exist in my mind. To not tell her is to take away from HIM, and I won't do that. He deserves to have her love and she deserves to know about him, to know what happened.
I don't know. It's getting harder and harder in some ways. the more she grows, the more I share with her, the more laughter and smiles she brings into my life, the more aware I am of how it would be to have them both. The more aware I am of what I am missing, what we are missing, but most of all, what SHE is missing-her brother.
October 6, 2009 is just around the corner. I know I will fight with all of my mental power to make time slow, to fight to keep it from coming. But I know I will lose and it will come, no matter how much I wish it wouldn't.
Before then, we've got Ellas surgery this coming week, that hurdle to jump. Then there is Logans headstone to be put up in the following weeks.
And then a birthday to...to what? to plan? I don't know that I can have a big party. I haven't reconciled how to feel that day. I know when it comes down to it, I won't have much control over however I end up feeling. I had decided right after losing Logan/having Ella that I would use October 5th as the date of the 'anniversary of Logans death", since that is technically the "date" we found out (late evening), and leave October 6th for Ellas birthday, a celebration of Ellas life. But no matter how specifically I separate them, they are the same in my mind. I know they both came into this world at the same time-October 6th-one alive and healthy and one already gone, too late to save.
I don't want to think about that date anymore...not right now. I can't right now.
a letter for Logan
My sweet baby boy,
I miss you so much. Maybe that sounds crazy to everybody else, maybe that’s why I don’t talk to everybody else about you anymore. They don’t understand. They’ll never understand. But you understand. You know.
I miss you like crazy. I miss everything about you, all the things I don’t even know. I wish there was some way to bring you back, just for a moment even-so I could see your eyes, or smell your head, and hold you. Oh how I want to hold you in my arms. To feel your skin warm and soft the way it’s supposed to be, pulsing with life. You were cold when I held you, you were already gone, already in Pappaw’s arms, warm with him.
Your sister is beautiful and perfect. I wish you could be here with us. Sometimes it’s hard to pick her up from day care because I see her with the other babies. One of those other babies should be you. Oh Logan, you should be here. You should be next to her. You should be giggling with her, looking at her, even screaming with her. Every day I think “what am I going to do without Logan?” And yet every day passes without you. I don’t know why it makes you sad to not have something you never had. I don’t know why but it does. It leaves you with a hole in your heart that can never be filled, by anyone. Not your daddy, not your sister, not another baby. I could have ten more and I’d still miss YOU with every part of me. And every single day. Not a day has passed that I haven’t thought of you. Not a single day. And not a single day ever will. Barely an hour has even passed without thinking of you. And certainly not a moment has passed that I didn’t love you. Sometimes I think of you in my belly, moving, and I smile. But most of the time I think of when they said you were gone. You had been gone a few days but in my world, in my mind, it’s like you were there one second and all was right with the world, and the next second they said you were gone and it was wrong. It was all wrong. It didn’t seem possible. Oh my precious baby, my life changed right then and there. Mommy is not the same. Mommy will never be the same without you. I will go on, but I will never be whole again. I will love Ella with all that I have and all that I am, but I will always know that you should be beside her. The space next to Ella should always be filled with you. You belong here. You belong with me. And you’re not. And that makes me sadder than I could ever describe.
I love you so much. People write about love all the time but no one has yet figured out how to express just how much you love someone when it’s just sooo much. I’m no different. That’s how I love you and how I love Ella. I wish I could show you how much, I wish I could know for certain that you knew how much I love you and how badly I wish you were here. I dreamed of having a baby for so so long. I ached inside for the chance to be a mom to just one baby. And then I was going to have TWO. A chance to be a mom to two perfect babies. One boy and one girl. Oh the plans I had for the two of you. The thoughts in my mind, the dreams in my sleep, the hopes in my heart for you both. I would daydream of little scenarios. Alternating feeds, battling bed time, the logistics of bath time for two. The cost, the stress, the exhaustion I know would all happen…none of it mattered when it came to the love. The love outweighed it all. There is enough love for you both, even now. There is a lot of sadness and a lot of anger and a lot of tears. But there is so much love too. I try to keep the love in a place separate from the sadness and the anger. Because I feel it all, but I don’t want the sadness to touch the love.
Logan, I hope you can see me. I hope you know my heart. I hope you can not only feel my love for you, but my love for Ella. I hope you know that when I smile and feel happy, it does not ever mean I don’t want you here or that I am okay without you. I would give my life to have you here. I would gladly trade places with you if it meant you could be here, even without me. I would go to Pappaw and MawMaw and you could come here with Daddy and with Nana and Poppa. But I can’t do that. I am here and I have Ella with me. You must know that she is what makes me smile here. She didn’t ask to be the survivor and I don’t want her to ever feel that I love one of you more than the other. Your death is not more important than her life. And her life is not more important than yours. You are both my sweet, precious, perfect babies and I love you both more than I could ever describe, more than I could ever explain, more than I even know myself. You fill my heart and it runs over for you both.
I will love you till the day I day, Logan, till the day I see you again. Then I will be able to tell you, face to face. I don’t know if you’ll still be a tiny baby that I’ll then get to see change before my eyes….or how any of that will work. In my mind, I imagine seeing you and running towards you and scooping you up in my arms and kissing your face and looking into your eyes while I hold your face in my hands and tell you how much I love you, how much I missed you. Then I will kiss you more and hold you more and squeeze you close. And then we will wait together, you and I….for Ella. She will come too one day and we can both run to her and we’ll all three be together, holding each other closely, just like we started, the three of us.
I love you baby boy. I don’t want to end this…letter or whatever it is. I don’t know how to end it.
I just love you, forever and always, with all of me.
Let Pappaw and MawMaw hold on to you, until I can hold on to you myself. When I do, I will never let you go.
I miss you so much. Maybe that sounds crazy to everybody else, maybe that’s why I don’t talk to everybody else about you anymore. They don’t understand. They’ll never understand. But you understand. You know.
I miss you like crazy. I miss everything about you, all the things I don’t even know. I wish there was some way to bring you back, just for a moment even-so I could see your eyes, or smell your head, and hold you. Oh how I want to hold you in my arms. To feel your skin warm and soft the way it’s supposed to be, pulsing with life. You were cold when I held you, you were already gone, already in Pappaw’s arms, warm with him.
Your sister is beautiful and perfect. I wish you could be here with us. Sometimes it’s hard to pick her up from day care because I see her with the other babies. One of those other babies should be you. Oh Logan, you should be here. You should be next to her. You should be giggling with her, looking at her, even screaming with her. Every day I think “what am I going to do without Logan?” And yet every day passes without you. I don’t know why it makes you sad to not have something you never had. I don’t know why but it does. It leaves you with a hole in your heart that can never be filled, by anyone. Not your daddy, not your sister, not another baby. I could have ten more and I’d still miss YOU with every part of me. And every single day. Not a day has passed that I haven’t thought of you. Not a single day. And not a single day ever will. Barely an hour has even passed without thinking of you. And certainly not a moment has passed that I didn’t love you. Sometimes I think of you in my belly, moving, and I smile. But most of the time I think of when they said you were gone. You had been gone a few days but in my world, in my mind, it’s like you were there one second and all was right with the world, and the next second they said you were gone and it was wrong. It was all wrong. It didn’t seem possible. Oh my precious baby, my life changed right then and there. Mommy is not the same. Mommy will never be the same without you. I will go on, but I will never be whole again. I will love Ella with all that I have and all that I am, but I will always know that you should be beside her. The space next to Ella should always be filled with you. You belong here. You belong with me. And you’re not. And that makes me sadder than I could ever describe.
I love you so much. People write about love all the time but no one has yet figured out how to express just how much you love someone when it’s just sooo much. I’m no different. That’s how I love you and how I love Ella. I wish I could show you how much, I wish I could know for certain that you knew how much I love you and how badly I wish you were here. I dreamed of having a baby for so so long. I ached inside for the chance to be a mom to just one baby. And then I was going to have TWO. A chance to be a mom to two perfect babies. One boy and one girl. Oh the plans I had for the two of you. The thoughts in my mind, the dreams in my sleep, the hopes in my heart for you both. I would daydream of little scenarios. Alternating feeds, battling bed time, the logistics of bath time for two. The cost, the stress, the exhaustion I know would all happen…none of it mattered when it came to the love. The love outweighed it all. There is enough love for you both, even now. There is a lot of sadness and a lot of anger and a lot of tears. But there is so much love too. I try to keep the love in a place separate from the sadness and the anger. Because I feel it all, but I don’t want the sadness to touch the love.
Logan, I hope you can see me. I hope you know my heart. I hope you can not only feel my love for you, but my love for Ella. I hope you know that when I smile and feel happy, it does not ever mean I don’t want you here or that I am okay without you. I would give my life to have you here. I would gladly trade places with you if it meant you could be here, even without me. I would go to Pappaw and MawMaw and you could come here with Daddy and with Nana and Poppa. But I can’t do that. I am here and I have Ella with me. You must know that she is what makes me smile here. She didn’t ask to be the survivor and I don’t want her to ever feel that I love one of you more than the other. Your death is not more important than her life. And her life is not more important than yours. You are both my sweet, precious, perfect babies and I love you both more than I could ever describe, more than I could ever explain, more than I even know myself. You fill my heart and it runs over for you both.
I will love you till the day I day, Logan, till the day I see you again. Then I will be able to tell you, face to face. I don’t know if you’ll still be a tiny baby that I’ll then get to see change before my eyes….or how any of that will work. In my mind, I imagine seeing you and running towards you and scooping you up in my arms and kissing your face and looking into your eyes while I hold your face in my hands and tell you how much I love you, how much I missed you. Then I will kiss you more and hold you more and squeeze you close. And then we will wait together, you and I….for Ella. She will come too one day and we can both run to her and we’ll all three be together, holding each other closely, just like we started, the three of us.
I love you baby boy. I don’t want to end this…letter or whatever it is. I don’t know how to end it.
I just love you, forever and always, with all of me.
Let Pappaw and MawMaw hold on to you, until I can hold on to you myself. When I do, I will never let you go.
for Logan
Your smile is engraved in my mind
Your spirit intertwined with my spirit
Your beauty is stamped upon my heart
YOU are forever ingrained in my soul, in who I am.
A part of my body for months
A part of my soul forever more.
I will run to you as fast as I can
When I see your face again
I will lift you into my arms
And never let you go.
I want to hold you
Touch you
Kiss you
I want all the things I can’t have now
I will have them with you one day
I will finally hear you call me mommy
Finally look into your eyes
Finally see your beautiful smile again
I am not afraid to die
For I have you waiting for me.
I will come one day Logan
Mommy will hold you again
I love you forever little man
Your spirit intertwined with my spirit
Your beauty is stamped upon my heart
YOU are forever ingrained in my soul, in who I am.
A part of my body for months
A part of my soul forever more.
I will run to you as fast as I can
When I see your face again
I will lift you into my arms
And never let you go.
I want to hold you
Touch you
Kiss you
I want all the things I can’t have now
I will have them with you one day
I will finally hear you call me mommy
Finally look into your eyes
Finally see your beautiful smile again
I am not afraid to die
For I have you waiting for me.
I will come one day Logan
Mommy will hold you again
I love you forever little man
03/03/09
Logan,
You will be 5 months old in a few days. I imagine you would be doing all the things your sister is doing. She’s smiling and cooing and has rolled over. I bet you’d be doing all of that too. I would give anything to see it, any of it. Just for a moment to see you again. I would love to see your smile. It’s one of the things I long for most. I saw it on the ultrasound so I have a little taste of what I’m missing. Your smile is beautiful just like you, that much I know.
More than anything though, I just want to hold you in my arms and tell you that I love you. To look into your eyes and call you my little man.
I want so much. I want time with you. Time to study you, to hold you, to just hold your cheek to my face, to smell you, to touch your hair. And I want to hear you cry. And I even want to change your diaper, I want you to throw up all over me, I want to be so tired from being up all night with you and your sister that I can hardly keep my eyes open. I want all of that, all of the good and all of the “bad”.
My precious boy I miss you more than words could ever come close to describing. It’s a feeling so deep within me. It’s a sadness more than anything but it’s also something else, something only the three of us share, you me and Ella. We were one for many months and that’s all I have of you are your movements in my body, your kicks, your hits. Ella has the memory of your heartbeats and your kicks and hits to her. Only we knew you in that special way. I promise you, I swear to you, I will make sure she knows how special your bond is. She will cherish you, I know she will. Even after she forgets the womb, there will be a part of her that will always remember SOMETHING. And I know she remembers now. I don’t care what anyone says. She stared at your picture this morning, for a long time. And then she looked at it at one point and looked at me, then looked back at your picture, and she smiled such a big smile. She loves you Logan, just like I do and I’ll remind her that she loved you from the beginning. And I’ll tell her always how much you love her. I will encourage her to talk to you, to share with you.
You will be 5 months old in a few days. I imagine you would be doing all the things your sister is doing. She’s smiling and cooing and has rolled over. I bet you’d be doing all of that too. I would give anything to see it, any of it. Just for a moment to see you again. I would love to see your smile. It’s one of the things I long for most. I saw it on the ultrasound so I have a little taste of what I’m missing. Your smile is beautiful just like you, that much I know.
More than anything though, I just want to hold you in my arms and tell you that I love you. To look into your eyes and call you my little man.
I want so much. I want time with you. Time to study you, to hold you, to just hold your cheek to my face, to smell you, to touch your hair. And I want to hear you cry. And I even want to change your diaper, I want you to throw up all over me, I want to be so tired from being up all night with you and your sister that I can hardly keep my eyes open. I want all of that, all of the good and all of the “bad”.
My precious boy I miss you more than words could ever come close to describing. It’s a feeling so deep within me. It’s a sadness more than anything but it’s also something else, something only the three of us share, you me and Ella. We were one for many months and that’s all I have of you are your movements in my body, your kicks, your hits. Ella has the memory of your heartbeats and your kicks and hits to her. Only we knew you in that special way. I promise you, I swear to you, I will make sure she knows how special your bond is. She will cherish you, I know she will. Even after she forgets the womb, there will be a part of her that will always remember SOMETHING. And I know she remembers now. I don’t care what anyone says. She stared at your picture this morning, for a long time. And then she looked at it at one point and looked at me, then looked back at your picture, and she smiled such a big smile. She loves you Logan, just like I do and I’ll remind her that she loved you from the beginning. And I’ll tell her always how much you love her. I will encourage her to talk to you, to share with you.
12/31/08
12/31/08
The end of 2008. It’s the end of the year that held a lot of pain. In a way I am glad to see it go. It is the year I lost Pappaw and it is the year that my precious baby boy died. But mostly, I am just sad. Sad that it is the end of the year that held the few short months that Logan even existed. Every day that goes by I am further away from the day that I held him in my arms, further from the day I looked at his face for the first and last time, further from the day I said goodbye and further from all the days he was inside of me and we were happy, just me and him and Ella.
The further away I get from October 6th, the more and more Logan is forgotten to everybody but me. I know this, I am not blind, nor dumb. I know he is only THAT special to me. Only I love him that much. Only Ella and I really knew him. I can’t expect it of others. But sometimes I do. Too often I do actually. Too often I reach out to the same people who continue to disappoint me. It’s absolutely pointless. I don’t know why, but I keep doing it. I think it’s because next to wanting Logan back, what I want more than ANYTHING is for others to just understand. Just UNDERSTAND how bad this hurts and you wouldn’t say half the things you say. I don’t want you to experience it. I just want you to understand. And you never will. Grief is a very lonely place; a very, very lonely place. That’s something I learn more and more each day.
Someone brought a little baby boy to my job the other day. I broke down crying. I tried not to but I couldn’t help it. I can’t be that close to a baby boy right now. My baby boy is dead and seeing another one around the same age is just impossible for me. I ache for Logan every day. I keep thinking that maybe one day I won’t miss him as much, but it hasn’t happened yet. I don’t think it will. And really I don’t want it to. If I stop missing him so much, I’m afraid I’ll be forgetting him.
I can’t even PICTURE my life in 10 years. I’m scared I’ll have a Christmas where I don’t mention him or that a day will go by and he won’t cross my mind. I don’t want a day like that to come. I don’t want to forget him. I wish now I had paid even more attention while I was pregnant. I wish I could remember every single kick. I remember the day I saw him on the 4d ultrasound. It was the first time I laid eyes on him. I remember the tears rolling down my face. There was my baby. MY baby. And he smiled at me. Oh thank you God for letting him smile at me. It’s the only smile I ever saw.
The end of 2008. It’s the end of the year that held a lot of pain. In a way I am glad to see it go. It is the year I lost Pappaw and it is the year that my precious baby boy died. But mostly, I am just sad. Sad that it is the end of the year that held the few short months that Logan even existed. Every day that goes by I am further away from the day that I held him in my arms, further from the day I looked at his face for the first and last time, further from the day I said goodbye and further from all the days he was inside of me and we were happy, just me and him and Ella.
The further away I get from October 6th, the more and more Logan is forgotten to everybody but me. I know this, I am not blind, nor dumb. I know he is only THAT special to me. Only I love him that much. Only Ella and I really knew him. I can’t expect it of others. But sometimes I do. Too often I do actually. Too often I reach out to the same people who continue to disappoint me. It’s absolutely pointless. I don’t know why, but I keep doing it. I think it’s because next to wanting Logan back, what I want more than ANYTHING is for others to just understand. Just UNDERSTAND how bad this hurts and you wouldn’t say half the things you say. I don’t want you to experience it. I just want you to understand. And you never will. Grief is a very lonely place; a very, very lonely place. That’s something I learn more and more each day.
Someone brought a little baby boy to my job the other day. I broke down crying. I tried not to but I couldn’t help it. I can’t be that close to a baby boy right now. My baby boy is dead and seeing another one around the same age is just impossible for me. I ache for Logan every day. I keep thinking that maybe one day I won’t miss him as much, but it hasn’t happened yet. I don’t think it will. And really I don’t want it to. If I stop missing him so much, I’m afraid I’ll be forgetting him.
I can’t even PICTURE my life in 10 years. I’m scared I’ll have a Christmas where I don’t mention him or that a day will go by and he won’t cross my mind. I don’t want a day like that to come. I don’t want to forget him. I wish now I had paid even more attention while I was pregnant. I wish I could remember every single kick. I remember the day I saw him on the 4d ultrasound. It was the first time I laid eyes on him. I remember the tears rolling down my face. There was my baby. MY baby. And he smiled at me. Oh thank you God for letting him smile at me. It’s the only smile I ever saw.
A lot all at once
*sigh*
I wish there were a way to let out a huge sigh online, because that is what I'm doing as I sit here at my desk. I feel overwhelmed.
We close on our house Friday. Our very first home we purchased together. The home where we tried to conceive for years, the home I worked to make our own. The home with the bathroom where I first stood and saw two lines on a pregnancy test. Two REAL, perfect, pink lines. The home where my belly grew everyday because of the two little tiny miracles inside of me. The only home Logan ever had, albeit only inside of me. We brought Ella home here. Logan most likely died here. I don't want to leave. I took the letters down off the wall in their nursery Sunday. I cried as I pulled each letter off the wall. L-O-G-A-N. This was THEIR nursery, really meant for them. I can put them back up at the new house, despite what others may think. But I know at the new house that it's Ellas nursery. It will never be decorated with the intention of Logan being in that nursery too. I know now he won't be. But this nursery, at this house, was his. It was created for them both, meant to hold both of them.
God I want him back. I want just a moment with him. I just want to look into his eyes, or hear him cry. I want to feel warmth from him. If I had known that the only time I'd feel him was inside of me, I'd have payed more attention. I'd have never taken my hands from my belly...not ever. I would have cherished every single kick, move, hiccup...everything. I would have gotten a 4d ultrasound every day if I could have. I did see his smile. I saw in on the one 4d ultrasound I had done. He had a beautiful smile.
ahh I have to go. I can't do this here right now.
I wish there were a way to let out a huge sigh online, because that is what I'm doing as I sit here at my desk. I feel overwhelmed.
We close on our house Friday. Our very first home we purchased together. The home where we tried to conceive for years, the home I worked to make our own. The home with the bathroom where I first stood and saw two lines on a pregnancy test. Two REAL, perfect, pink lines. The home where my belly grew everyday because of the two little tiny miracles inside of me. The only home Logan ever had, albeit only inside of me. We brought Ella home here. Logan most likely died here. I don't want to leave. I took the letters down off the wall in their nursery Sunday. I cried as I pulled each letter off the wall. L-O-G-A-N. This was THEIR nursery, really meant for them. I can put them back up at the new house, despite what others may think. But I know at the new house that it's Ellas nursery. It will never be decorated with the intention of Logan being in that nursery too. I know now he won't be. But this nursery, at this house, was his. It was created for them both, meant to hold both of them.
God I want him back. I want just a moment with him. I just want to look into his eyes, or hear him cry. I want to feel warmth from him. If I had known that the only time I'd feel him was inside of me, I'd have payed more attention. I'd have never taken my hands from my belly...not ever. I would have cherished every single kick, move, hiccup...everything. I would have gotten a 4d ultrasound every day if I could have. I did see his smile. I saw in on the one 4d ultrasound I had done. He had a beautiful smile.
ahh I have to go. I can't do this here right now.
I guess I need to post the story of what happened. Or at least what I know of what happened. I'll never truly know what happened to my baby. Autopsy, reviews, meetings with specialists and blood tests later....I know nothing really. Only a bunch of maybes, possibilities.
But this is what I know. I went to the Perinatologist for the last time on 09/26. I was basically “released” from there. I had “graduated”. She said I didn’t need to come back unless my OB wanted me to have another scan for some reason but that she didn’t anticipate that because everything was great. She suggested we deliver no later than 38 weeks, preferably 37 and ½ if she had her way. She said it’s better that way, and that she NEVER loses her twins. Yes, she said that at my last appointment. She said that both babies had grown from their previous weights the three weeks prior. She said Logan weighed around 4 lbs. 14 oz. and Ella weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz. I mentioned to her that I hadn’t felt as much movement on the side Logan was on and she dismissed that as no big deal. I also told her that the doctor in Tyler (where I was when we were away due to hurricane Ike) had said that Logan was less responsive than Ella on the NSTs. She wasn’t concerned with that either. And since she did their measurements right then and there and it was all fine according to her, I accepted that everything must be okay (something I’m struggling with now).
I had my OB appointment on Friday October 3rd. The tech checked the babies heartbeats with the Doppler and found them BOTH to be at 156. I remember asking about them both being the same and the tech saying “oh yeah, that happens all the time”. My blood pressure was elevated as usual. I had blood work done just like I had the past few appointments to be sure and check for any protein in my urine (there never had been any). I was also given the jug for another 24 hour urine collection to start on Tuesday 10/07. (obviously we never did that). Scheduled a follow-up appointment for 10/08 (once again, never made it there). We also scheduled delivery for Monday, October 20th.
Saturday everything was fine as far as I knew. Sunday morning I was totally fine but just noticed brown color on the toilet paper when I wiped, just like the color that tea would look like on a napkin. I thought maybe it was the beginning of my mucous plug coming out. I called my mom and had her look it up online (since I still didn’t have internet after storm). There was no blood, no nothing. Later it got a little darker so I went ahead and called the on call doctor, Dr. Tran, just to see what they’d say. She said to go ahead and go on in to Labor & Delivery just to check it out, but that it likely would be nothing. I was actually excited. I’d never had discharge that was ANY color other than just creamy or clear. I was kind of thinking maybe this was a sign I’d be going into labor soon and that I’d get to meet my babies soon, that maybe this was the beginning. I didn’t know it would be the beginning of a complete nightmare.
I called my mom and told her what was going on and that I’d call her and let them know what L&D said. I called Lori (my best friend) and told her where I was going, but told her not to freak out because I’d probably be right back home.
I checked into Labor & Delivery and they started the monitoring. They found Ellas heartbeat right away but had trouble finding Logans. I was just like “oh that happens all the time, it’s always hard to get them both on the monitors at the same time and KEEP them there”. I was not worried about that at ALL. In the meantime, while they were still trying to get Logans heartbeat, Dr. Tran (the on call doctor) came in and went ahead and checked me. I was not dilated at all and had no issues. She said the brown discharge was completely normal and that we’d do an ultrasound to check the babies ‘real quick’ and then I could go on home. They weren’t going to keep me. Exactly what I expected would happen. I was a little disappointed but excited at least to get to see the babies again on the ultrasound.
They went and got the ultrasound machine and came in. They found Ella right away. All this time I was talking to Mike and his mom (who had showed up because he had called her to tell her I was getting checked out). We were laughing and cutting up watching Ella move around. Then she moved to look at Logan. After a few moments I noticed she was still looking. I was still looking too. Neither of us were seeing anything. The picture on the u/s machine was very grainy but I didn’t see the strong flicker over the heart like there was with Ella. I said “what’s wrong” and she said “I don’t see a heartbeat for baby A”
“Baby A” was Logan. It’s hard to explain from that point on. Nothing could EVER truly describe the feelings to someone who has never experienced it. At that very moment, all at once my heart stopped and my stomach dropped and I felt the most intense fear I’ve ever felt in my life. Everything got blurry in my head and I had an INSTANT headache like I’d never had before. I started sobbing. I just can't describe the fear I felt in that moment. It was like nothing I had ever felt. Everything started seeming to spin. I think part of me knew just by looking at Dr. Trans face that there was no hope. But she said we’d go down to radiology and get a better look on a better machine. She didn’t sound hopeful at all. By that time I was crying uncontrollably. We called my mom, she told me not to worry, that they’d find his heartbeat, but she said they were on their way anyway. She sounded scared.
It seemed like we waited hours but I’m sure it was in fact just a few minutes. They wheeled me down to radiology. Dr. Kirshon (another peri in MY peris same group) was there and he started the ultrasound. I was terrified and praying. He started doing measurements and asking questions about when my last ultrasound was, when my last appointment was, etc. He mentioned that these were “great sized babies”. He kept just looking and measuring and talking and asking questions. Then he started going on and on about baby B (Ella) but he wasn’t mentioning Logan. I knew as long as I didn’t ask and he didn’t say anything, it wouldn’t be true. But finally I worked up the courage and just said “is he gone?” and he quietly said “yes he is. I’m sorry”. I asked “how long?” and he said “it’s hard to tell but it looks like maybe a day or so“.
At that moment, everything…every single thing-about me, my life, my whole world-it all changed.
It’s like I can see/hear everything plain as day in my mind, but it’s all hazy and clustered and blurry at the same time, if that makes sense. I remember screaming and crying, mostly just screaming “why” and moaning Logans name and just ‘no”. It didn’t seem real. I couldn’t believe it happened. All of it seemed like a nightmare. But I couldn’t make myself wake up. I remember them telling me we would have to have a c-section to deliver Ella and Logan both that night. Apparently they had to get Ella out because of potential danger to her, not knowing what happened to Logan. I remember calling my mom and just losing my mind right there on the phone with her. She sobbed and cried with me and told me she was sorry she wasn’t with me.
I had the worst headache I’ve ever had in my life, but they couldn’t give me anything, I guess because I was about to have a c-section. Although they did ask if I wanted something to kind of knock me halfway out, but they mentioned that I wouldn’t be as alert and so I refused it. I knew I’d get to see Logan after I delivered and I wanted to remember it, to remember the moment, to remember his face.
For almost 4 hours we waited and cried. Lori and Shane came up and my friend Amy and my uncle. My mother in law was already there. We just sat there. I did weird things like texting online people and calling friends. I didn’t know what else to do. I was so numb and felt so completely out of body. I even called to check on my dogs I think. My parents made it just in time, RIGHT before they took me back for the c-section. I wanted so bad for my mom to hold me before they took me and she was able to. I was so terrified and I thought I was actually going crazy, I was scared Ella was going to die and that I was going to die too. That maybe something was just terribly wrong with us ALL. I thought something had to just be terribly wrong with the whole WORLD for this to be happening right now. Fear permeated my every thought and feeling. I held onto Mike and then onto my mom and dad, all as tightly as I could. I felt like I could have clawed through their backs holding them so tight, wishing none of it was real.
They took me back for the c-section and Logan was born first at 12:50 a.m., then Ella at 12:52 a.m. Mike took pictures of them both after they were pulled out. I am forever grateful to him for that. I remember being in such a haze and I don’t remember either of them actually coming out really, maybe just some foggy “here she comes” type stuff when they took Ella. I don’t think they said anything at all when they took Logan. But Mike still took the picture.
It turned out they did have to end up giving me something after all, to calm me during the surgery because I got hysterical. It seemed like I layed on that table for EVER after they were both delivered. While Mike went back with Ella to the NICU and Dr. Tran was putting in my staples and taking out my cerclage, I asked her what she thought as far as what happened, if she could tell anything by seeing Logan. She said that it did not appear to be a cord accident but she did know that it had definitely been longer than a day or two that he’d been gone. She said she could tell by the condition of his skin. I cried more just thinking of it. Then I remember they brought me Ella while I was still on the table. (I guess they had just taken her to clean her and check her out?). I kissed her sweet face and Mike took a picture of us and that was it. They took her to the NICU. They wheeled me back to the L&D room instead of recovery so that I could be with my family and friends.
We all cried a while and then the photographer came in and introduced herself. I couldn’t tell you a single thing she said other than that she was going to take pictures of Ella and Logan together if I wanted. And I did. And that she’d come back and take pictures when they brought him to me. The moments in between I don’t remember, but at some point they said they were ready to bring him in. So I sat up and was scared out of my mind. But when I saw my baby, my beautiful little Logan, I just sobbed over his little body. He was so beautiful. So perfect. An absolutely beautiful, handsome little boy. My son, my Logan, my wonderful perfect Logan. I held him in my arms for the first and last time. He looked so peaceful, like he was just sleeping. I wanted him to wake up. At one point, his little nose started bleeding and my mom got something and wiped it. She whispered that it was just blood vessels, to not be scared. But she knew I was. A few moments later, his nose bled again and I wiped it away. I was able to do something a mother would do. Wipe a bloody nose. Sounds stupid, but it was important and it meant something. My mom took a few pictures while I just held him and rocked him in my arms and called his name and told him that I loved him over and over again, that he was my baby boy,my son, that he would always be mine. I don’t know how long I held him. It could have been 10 minutes, it could have been an hour. All I know is that at some point, his little eyes started to bleed and I couldn’t look at him anymore. He didn’t look peaceful anymore, he looked like he was hurting and I couldn’t bear to think of him hurting. So they came and took him back. They said they could bring him back anytime, but I didn’t ask for him again. Now I wish I had, but I didn’t.
By this time it was well into the middle of the night. We were allowed to stay in the Labor & Delivery room since there were so many seats and beds so that everyone could sleep. My parents and Mike both slept. I just layed there-for HOURS. Sometimes I mindlessly played Wheel of Fortune on my cell phone, which is so strange to me when I think about it now. Most of the time, though, I just layed there and stared into space. I had so many drugs in me but I could NOT sleep. I never did that night. I replayed it all over again in my mind, I racked my brain trying to remember the past two weeks, I did everything but sleep. I watched Mike sleep and I watched my parents sleep curled next to each other in a hospital bed holding on to each other. I remember watching them for a long time, wishing I was just a little girl again in between their embrace, that this wasn’t happening. Honestly I don’t even know if I was even thinking about Ella at that point. And I never slept myself. Just went crazy inside myself.
At some point they came and got me and wheeled me in the bed down to the NICU to see Ella. It was morning by now. She was beautiful and perfect and looked like Logan. It hit me that I had a daughter. They didn’t let us stay long although I don’t really know why. I was able to touch her and kiss her and look at her and that was it. They wheeled me into another room, room 246 I remember. Ella was doing so good that she only needed to stay the required 6 hours in NICU (required of all babies less than 36 weeks gestation), then they said after that she would be in the room with me.
So that’s it. Ella came later Monday afternoon into the room with us. My mom mostly took care of her as I was pretty much in a daze. I still feel in a daze. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, how I’m going to survive. I am a completely different person, The person that I was before, that person died with Logan and was buried with Logan in New Salem Cemetery on October 20, 2008. I will never be that person again. I am someone else now-someone I haven’t the first clue how to be, and someone I don’t at all WANT to be.
I want the old ME back, but I can only have the old ME back if I can have Logan back. And that’s not possible.
No one knows what this feels like unless they’ve been here. No one understands this. I hadn’t the first clue, COULDN’T have had the first clue, before this. It is an indescribable pain and one that I wouldn’t dare wish on another human being. It hurts that much, it hits that hard. It can knock the breath from me in an instant. If I dare to move away from it for a second, it seems like the pain hits with a vengeance.
It is terrifying to me, this type of pain. It’s a circle you run in and can’t get out of, wanting what you can’t have, but what you’ll never stop wanting. It’s not possible to stop wanting him back and it’s not possible to have him back. So I keep running in that circle.
But this is what I know. I went to the Perinatologist for the last time on 09/26. I was basically “released” from there. I had “graduated”. She said I didn’t need to come back unless my OB wanted me to have another scan for some reason but that she didn’t anticipate that because everything was great. She suggested we deliver no later than 38 weeks, preferably 37 and ½ if she had her way. She said it’s better that way, and that she NEVER loses her twins. Yes, she said that at my last appointment. She said that both babies had grown from their previous weights the three weeks prior. She said Logan weighed around 4 lbs. 14 oz. and Ella weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz. I mentioned to her that I hadn’t felt as much movement on the side Logan was on and she dismissed that as no big deal. I also told her that the doctor in Tyler (where I was when we were away due to hurricane Ike) had said that Logan was less responsive than Ella on the NSTs. She wasn’t concerned with that either. And since she did their measurements right then and there and it was all fine according to her, I accepted that everything must be okay (something I’m struggling with now).
I had my OB appointment on Friday October 3rd. The tech checked the babies heartbeats with the Doppler and found them BOTH to be at 156. I remember asking about them both being the same and the tech saying “oh yeah, that happens all the time”. My blood pressure was elevated as usual. I had blood work done just like I had the past few appointments to be sure and check for any protein in my urine (there never had been any). I was also given the jug for another 24 hour urine collection to start on Tuesday 10/07. (obviously we never did that). Scheduled a follow-up appointment for 10/08 (once again, never made it there). We also scheduled delivery for Monday, October 20th.
Saturday everything was fine as far as I knew. Sunday morning I was totally fine but just noticed brown color on the toilet paper when I wiped, just like the color that tea would look like on a napkin. I thought maybe it was the beginning of my mucous plug coming out. I called my mom and had her look it up online (since I still didn’t have internet after storm). There was no blood, no nothing. Later it got a little darker so I went ahead and called the on call doctor, Dr. Tran, just to see what they’d say. She said to go ahead and go on in to Labor & Delivery just to check it out, but that it likely would be nothing. I was actually excited. I’d never had discharge that was ANY color other than just creamy or clear. I was kind of thinking maybe this was a sign I’d be going into labor soon and that I’d get to meet my babies soon, that maybe this was the beginning. I didn’t know it would be the beginning of a complete nightmare.
I called my mom and told her what was going on and that I’d call her and let them know what L&D said. I called Lori (my best friend) and told her where I was going, but told her not to freak out because I’d probably be right back home.
I checked into Labor & Delivery and they started the monitoring. They found Ellas heartbeat right away but had trouble finding Logans. I was just like “oh that happens all the time, it’s always hard to get them both on the monitors at the same time and KEEP them there”. I was not worried about that at ALL. In the meantime, while they were still trying to get Logans heartbeat, Dr. Tran (the on call doctor) came in and went ahead and checked me. I was not dilated at all and had no issues. She said the brown discharge was completely normal and that we’d do an ultrasound to check the babies ‘real quick’ and then I could go on home. They weren’t going to keep me. Exactly what I expected would happen. I was a little disappointed but excited at least to get to see the babies again on the ultrasound.
They went and got the ultrasound machine and came in. They found Ella right away. All this time I was talking to Mike and his mom (who had showed up because he had called her to tell her I was getting checked out). We were laughing and cutting up watching Ella move around. Then she moved to look at Logan. After a few moments I noticed she was still looking. I was still looking too. Neither of us were seeing anything. The picture on the u/s machine was very grainy but I didn’t see the strong flicker over the heart like there was with Ella. I said “what’s wrong” and she said “I don’t see a heartbeat for baby A”
“Baby A” was Logan. It’s hard to explain from that point on. Nothing could EVER truly describe the feelings to someone who has never experienced it. At that very moment, all at once my heart stopped and my stomach dropped and I felt the most intense fear I’ve ever felt in my life. Everything got blurry in my head and I had an INSTANT headache like I’d never had before. I started sobbing. I just can't describe the fear I felt in that moment. It was like nothing I had ever felt. Everything started seeming to spin. I think part of me knew just by looking at Dr. Trans face that there was no hope. But she said we’d go down to radiology and get a better look on a better machine. She didn’t sound hopeful at all. By that time I was crying uncontrollably. We called my mom, she told me not to worry, that they’d find his heartbeat, but she said they were on their way anyway. She sounded scared.
It seemed like we waited hours but I’m sure it was in fact just a few minutes. They wheeled me down to radiology. Dr. Kirshon (another peri in MY peris same group) was there and he started the ultrasound. I was terrified and praying. He started doing measurements and asking questions about when my last ultrasound was, when my last appointment was, etc. He mentioned that these were “great sized babies”. He kept just looking and measuring and talking and asking questions. Then he started going on and on about baby B (Ella) but he wasn’t mentioning Logan. I knew as long as I didn’t ask and he didn’t say anything, it wouldn’t be true. But finally I worked up the courage and just said “is he gone?” and he quietly said “yes he is. I’m sorry”. I asked “how long?” and he said “it’s hard to tell but it looks like maybe a day or so“.
At that moment, everything…every single thing-about me, my life, my whole world-it all changed.
It’s like I can see/hear everything plain as day in my mind, but it’s all hazy and clustered and blurry at the same time, if that makes sense. I remember screaming and crying, mostly just screaming “why” and moaning Logans name and just ‘no”. It didn’t seem real. I couldn’t believe it happened. All of it seemed like a nightmare. But I couldn’t make myself wake up. I remember them telling me we would have to have a c-section to deliver Ella and Logan both that night. Apparently they had to get Ella out because of potential danger to her, not knowing what happened to Logan. I remember calling my mom and just losing my mind right there on the phone with her. She sobbed and cried with me and told me she was sorry she wasn’t with me.
I had the worst headache I’ve ever had in my life, but they couldn’t give me anything, I guess because I was about to have a c-section. Although they did ask if I wanted something to kind of knock me halfway out, but they mentioned that I wouldn’t be as alert and so I refused it. I knew I’d get to see Logan after I delivered and I wanted to remember it, to remember the moment, to remember his face.
For almost 4 hours we waited and cried. Lori and Shane came up and my friend Amy and my uncle. My mother in law was already there. We just sat there. I did weird things like texting online people and calling friends. I didn’t know what else to do. I was so numb and felt so completely out of body. I even called to check on my dogs I think. My parents made it just in time, RIGHT before they took me back for the c-section. I wanted so bad for my mom to hold me before they took me and she was able to. I was so terrified and I thought I was actually going crazy, I was scared Ella was going to die and that I was going to die too. That maybe something was just terribly wrong with us ALL. I thought something had to just be terribly wrong with the whole WORLD for this to be happening right now. Fear permeated my every thought and feeling. I held onto Mike and then onto my mom and dad, all as tightly as I could. I felt like I could have clawed through their backs holding them so tight, wishing none of it was real.
They took me back for the c-section and Logan was born first at 12:50 a.m., then Ella at 12:52 a.m. Mike took pictures of them both after they were pulled out. I am forever grateful to him for that. I remember being in such a haze and I don’t remember either of them actually coming out really, maybe just some foggy “here she comes” type stuff when they took Ella. I don’t think they said anything at all when they took Logan. But Mike still took the picture.
It turned out they did have to end up giving me something after all, to calm me during the surgery because I got hysterical. It seemed like I layed on that table for EVER after they were both delivered. While Mike went back with Ella to the NICU and Dr. Tran was putting in my staples and taking out my cerclage, I asked her what she thought as far as what happened, if she could tell anything by seeing Logan. She said that it did not appear to be a cord accident but she did know that it had definitely been longer than a day or two that he’d been gone. She said she could tell by the condition of his skin. I cried more just thinking of it. Then I remember they brought me Ella while I was still on the table. (I guess they had just taken her to clean her and check her out?). I kissed her sweet face and Mike took a picture of us and that was it. They took her to the NICU. They wheeled me back to the L&D room instead of recovery so that I could be with my family and friends.
We all cried a while and then the photographer came in and introduced herself. I couldn’t tell you a single thing she said other than that she was going to take pictures of Ella and Logan together if I wanted. And I did. And that she’d come back and take pictures when they brought him to me. The moments in between I don’t remember, but at some point they said they were ready to bring him in. So I sat up and was scared out of my mind. But when I saw my baby, my beautiful little Logan, I just sobbed over his little body. He was so beautiful. So perfect. An absolutely beautiful, handsome little boy. My son, my Logan, my wonderful perfect Logan. I held him in my arms for the first and last time. He looked so peaceful, like he was just sleeping. I wanted him to wake up. At one point, his little nose started bleeding and my mom got something and wiped it. She whispered that it was just blood vessels, to not be scared. But she knew I was. A few moments later, his nose bled again and I wiped it away. I was able to do something a mother would do. Wipe a bloody nose. Sounds stupid, but it was important and it meant something. My mom took a few pictures while I just held him and rocked him in my arms and called his name and told him that I loved him over and over again, that he was my baby boy,my son, that he would always be mine. I don’t know how long I held him. It could have been 10 minutes, it could have been an hour. All I know is that at some point, his little eyes started to bleed and I couldn’t look at him anymore. He didn’t look peaceful anymore, he looked like he was hurting and I couldn’t bear to think of him hurting. So they came and took him back. They said they could bring him back anytime, but I didn’t ask for him again. Now I wish I had, but I didn’t.
By this time it was well into the middle of the night. We were allowed to stay in the Labor & Delivery room since there were so many seats and beds so that everyone could sleep. My parents and Mike both slept. I just layed there-for HOURS. Sometimes I mindlessly played Wheel of Fortune on my cell phone, which is so strange to me when I think about it now. Most of the time, though, I just layed there and stared into space. I had so many drugs in me but I could NOT sleep. I never did that night. I replayed it all over again in my mind, I racked my brain trying to remember the past two weeks, I did everything but sleep. I watched Mike sleep and I watched my parents sleep curled next to each other in a hospital bed holding on to each other. I remember watching them for a long time, wishing I was just a little girl again in between their embrace, that this wasn’t happening. Honestly I don’t even know if I was even thinking about Ella at that point. And I never slept myself. Just went crazy inside myself.
At some point they came and got me and wheeled me in the bed down to the NICU to see Ella. It was morning by now. She was beautiful and perfect and looked like Logan. It hit me that I had a daughter. They didn’t let us stay long although I don’t really know why. I was able to touch her and kiss her and look at her and that was it. They wheeled me into another room, room 246 I remember. Ella was doing so good that she only needed to stay the required 6 hours in NICU (required of all babies less than 36 weeks gestation), then they said after that she would be in the room with me.
So that’s it. Ella came later Monday afternoon into the room with us. My mom mostly took care of her as I was pretty much in a daze. I still feel in a daze. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, how I’m going to survive. I am a completely different person, The person that I was before, that person died with Logan and was buried with Logan in New Salem Cemetery on October 20, 2008. I will never be that person again. I am someone else now-someone I haven’t the first clue how to be, and someone I don’t at all WANT to be.
I want the old ME back, but I can only have the old ME back if I can have Logan back. And that’s not possible.
No one knows what this feels like unless they’ve been here. No one understands this. I hadn’t the first clue, COULDN’T have had the first clue, before this. It is an indescribable pain and one that I wouldn’t dare wish on another human being. It hurts that much, it hits that hard. It can knock the breath from me in an instant. If I dare to move away from it for a second, it seems like the pain hits with a vengeance.
It is terrifying to me, this type of pain. It’s a circle you run in and can’t get out of, wanting what you can’t have, but what you’ll never stop wanting. It’s not possible to stop wanting him back and it’s not possible to have him back. So I keep running in that circle.
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